Man with a Gun

Jason and I ventured into our first test of parenthood - registering at Babies R Us. And boy, was it ever a test. Thank goodness for my saintly friend Niki who went with us and was not only a mommy pro, but also a therapist. The funniest part is how quickly I remembered what it was like to register for our wedding four years ago, and how similar the experience was. Jason was armed with a registry gun. I was armed with neuroticism, check lists and never ending quips, "do we really need this?" and "that price is obscene." This time, instead of my mom's wedding registry guidance, Niki was there with her wisdom and "trust me's." Without her, we definitely would've ended up with only 3 things on the registry and in marriage counseling.

Saturday's festivities started at Lullaby Lane, where Jason started an all out war with the malfunctioning registry gun and I determined the merits of baby bathtubs and Led Zepplin lullaby CDs. We then stopped for lunch at a yummy burrito place across the street, where I scarfed down a quesadilla the size of my femur. I don't yet have any cravings, but I eat everything. Then off to Babies R Us. All I can say is OH MY GOD. So overwhelming. The store is the size of close to 10 blocks and choices abound. How am I supposed to know what kind of breast pump or bottle to choose out of the 5+ choices for each????? Again, enter Niki, who should really open up her own private shopper company. She guided us through everything. And even when I got home to cross reference our selections with user reviews both on Babiesrus.com and BabyCenter (see....I told you I was neurotic), everything was the highest rated. Go team Warne. Overall, the experience was overwhelming, but necessary, and I hope that I never have to do it again. Even the aisles of cute baby clothes couldn't calm my nerves of not knowing what anything was or the fact that I had no idea that I needed certain stuff. It really amazes me how much stuff there is today that I never had. I didn't have a head positioner or a bottle warmer and sanitizer, and I survived. But if they are going to make my life easier, I'll take it.

A few other updates:

Friday was our 6 month doctor appt. Dr. Bason-Mitchell said I was the picture of perfection with a 21.5 inch belly measurement on my 21.5th week. She also told me the cause of my nether region pains. Damn Critter has hit foot wedged in my vulva. That night, I showed him who was boss. Before bed, when he's most active, I put pushed on my groin, hoping he'd move. Well, we now know who wears the pants in the family. Within four seconds, he kicked me back and refused to move. I'm already looking for onesies that say "Mommy's little pain in the vulva."

I also gave in to my first pair of maternity jeans last week, which was a big deal. I now have given in to the fact that I have a baby tummy and am no longer the proud owner of 36, 24, 36 measurement. Who am I kidding? I haven't had those measurements since.......well never. I also went shopping for some new clothes at Old Navy on Sunday. I actually had a blast. Choices galore - in the NON maternity, regular ladies department. Luckily, this season's clothes are flowy enough for pregnant women - and adorable and flexible enough to wear post baby. I got a lot of great dresses and shirts for our June vacation to Punta Cana and my cousin's wedding late May.

Up this week - start of day care tours and Jason's 35th birthday on Wednesday. I'll have lots of pics next week of his Keg Kickball party in Golden Gate park.

Circus Act

If I was a circus act, my name would be the Amazing Expanding Woman. The Ring Leader would say "Ladies and gentleman, boys and girls, feast your eyes on the Amazing Expanding Woman. She gets bigger right before your eyes." I'm not trying to pull the sympathy card here, but it really happened yesterday. It was a beautiful Sunday in SF and Jason had to do some work, so I went out for an afternoon walk down to Chrissy Field. On the way to the beach, I called my friend Jessica (a mom). She asked if I had popped yet, to which my answer was, "A long time ago." She mentioned that I'll likely pop again. Say what? All the books say I pop once. Is there really any more room to pop again? My ankles and self esteem say no. I returned home only 2 hours later, and not even five seconds passed before Jason exclaims, "Holy shit. I think you popped." I ran to the mirror in the bedroom in an attempt to tell him that he either needed new glasses or to check out his wife more often. Damn. He was right. In a matter of 2 hours and a harbinger from Jessica, I popped. Again. I swear I left half the apartment half the size I returned.

Critter is a crazy kicker lately. He already has a routine down. He kicks me at 9am, yearning for a caffeine fix, then again between 9:30-10:30 thanking me for the coffee and cereal. Then again after lunch and after dinner, and then the grand finale at 11:30pm during Seinfeld reruns. He's a nut at this time, but it doesn't help that Jason's at my belly urging him on. Here are some stats:

• Approx 10 inches long
• 1 lb.
• Eyelashes and eyebrows have come in
• Sprouting hair (white because it doesn't have pigment yet)
• Forming teeth buds
• Pancreas starting to function
  

This week, my big focus is day care. Yes, it's 8+ months away, but apparently, there are waiting lists longer that than that, and I don't want to be SOL. Apparently child care in SF is like applying to colleges. There is a nonrefundable application fee, you're judged on the spot during interviews, it's super competitive, and according to my parent friends, you find yourself saying, "I hope you pick us because of ...." Giving them $350-$450 week isn't enough; you have to kiss their butt too. They should be kissing my butt. I'm the one who has to squeeze a watermelon out of me and then pay them. They've got it easy.

Half Way Mark

Well, we're half way there. If you're trying to do some math here, yes, pregnancy is 40 weeks/10 months, NOT 36 weeks/9 months as people, books and media lead you to believe before you get preggers. Just when you think you can't take it any more beyond 9 months, they trick you into another, just to make people on Weight Watchers feel better about themselves. So here we are, half way, just starting our 6th month.

I gotta say, all the comments and stress people have tried to give me about women turning crazy during pregnancy...Steph has been pretty great. Sure there's the occasional nag and little snippy comment, but I'm not entirely convinced that it's anything out of the normal. Just Steph being Steph.

But seriously, the last few days have been incredible. The little guy has been moving around and it's been so fun to actually feel it. I love to shout at it just to see if it jumps. Nothing yet, but I'll keep y'all posted.

Steph and I have begun getting and receiving some amazing clothes and bedroom stuff for the critter as well (big thanks to gammas, grampas, and uncles). It's clear at this point that the dude is gonna be better dressed than Steph and me. With all the greens and blues in his collection, I think I'm gonna have to start getting him some black metal t-shirts. So if anyone knows where I can get little Slayer, Black Sabbath or Van Halen (circa David Lee Roth) shirts...give me a shout.

Wanted: Good parents

My friend Jessica sent this to me this morning and brought up a very good point: no one would ever take this job if it had been presented this way. Jason and I, however, are looking forward to many years of it. But it does make me wonder if we should've adopted that 22 year old in Somalia.

POSITION :
Mom, Mommy, Mama, Ma
Dad, Daddy, Dada, Pa, Pop

JOB DESCRIPTION :

Long term, team players needed, for challenging permanent work in an often chaotic environment. Candidates must possess excellent communication and organizational skills and be willing to work variable hours, which will include evenings and weekends and frequent 24 hour shifts on call. Some overnight travel required, including trips to primitive camping sites on rainy weekends and endless sports tournaments in far away cities! Travel expenses not reimbursed. Extensive courier duties also required.

RESPONSIBILITIES :

The rest of your life. Must be willing to be hated, at least temporarily, until someone needs $5. Must be willing to bite tongue repeatedly. Also, must possess the physical stamina of a pack mule and be able to go from zero to 60 mph in three seconds flat in case, this time, the screams from the backyard are not someone just crying wolf. Must be willing to face stimulating technical challenges, such as small gadget repair, mysteriously sluggish toilets and stuck zippers. Must screen phone calls, maintain calendars and coordinate production of multiple homework projects. Must have ability to plan and organize social gatherings for clients of all ages and mental outlooks. Must be willing to be indispensable one minute, an embarrassment the next. Must handle assembly and product safety testing of a half million cheap, plastic toys, and battery operated devices. Must always hope for the best but be prepared for the worst. Must assume final, complete accountability for the quality of the end product. Responsibilities also include floor maintenance and janitorial work throughout the facility.

POSSIBILITY FOR ADVANCEMENT & PROMOTION :

None. Your job is to remain in the same position for years, without complaining, constantly retraining and updating your skills, so that those in your charge can ultimately surpass you.

PREVIOUS EXPERIENCE :

None required unfortunately. On-the-job training offered on a continually exhausting basis.

WAGES AND COMPENSATION :

Get this! You pay them! Offering frequent raises and bonuses. A balloon payment is due when they turn 18 because of the assumption that college will help them become financially independent. When you die, you give them whatever is left. The oddest thing about this reverse-salary scheme is that you actually enjoy it and wish you could only do more.

BENEFITS :

While no health or dental insurance, no pension, no tuition reimbursement, no paid holidays and no stock options are offered; this job supplies limitless opportunities for personal growth, unconditional love, and free hugs and kisses for life if you play your cards right.

Big Week

Lots to update on, aside from my GI-NORMOUS belly. The biggest by far is that Critter is a boy, so moving forward, he'll still be Critter, but he'll be referred to as he. And no, we're not sharing names till he shows his face in September. We went for our 19 week ultrasound last Thursday, where they checked for a bunch of vital stuff, aside from the "goods." We saw Critter's 4 chambered beating heart, bladder, bones, everything. He was given a perfect bill of health, but interestingly, his sex was a bigger challenge. The ultrasound technician proudly announced "Girl" which was followed by cheering and tears. Only a minute later, she declared "Well, I don't know. I'm not so sure." Jason of course had to add, "Well, I am Irish." After much excitement, anticipation, and fear of really having a hermaphrodite (which the technician assuredly said no to), we had to wait for the official word from the Doctor, who joined us a half hour later. He confirmed "Boy" and we saw the twig and berries. Jason and I left overjoyed and promised to never tell Critter that story. The only downer of the day was that Critter is stubborn (like dad) and doesn't like pictures (like me). Even after a brief calisthenics session (running, jumping jacks and moon walking around the room), he still wouldn't move to show us his face. Thus, the crappy prior picture. We'll get him back as soon as he's born. We'll teach him.

Other big news - lots of kicking, punching and movement. And it wasn't gas (despite me trying to blame it on that and Jason not buying it). Critter's very active right after dinner (8pm-ish) and late night (11:30pm-ish). And I think he knows I'm writing about him right now. He's kicking away. This past Saturday night, the kicks were pretty strong. My OBGYN said that Jason wouldn't likely feel the kicks for another 2 weeks, but I had him feel me up, and sure he enough he felt a few kicks - and FREAKED OUT. Critter scared him and he was afraid to feel me up for the rest of the night. I have to admit, it is weird to feel something like an alien growing inside you and probably even weirder for Jason to feel it. According to my books, the Critter can hear us and is able to start distinguishing our voices, so Jason loves "talking" to it. Though, I'm not sure if talking is the right word. He loves to whistle at it like a dog and say "Yooooo Whooo" like he does with my Grandma Freda. Great - when Critter's born, we'll only have to whistle, and he'll come running. Maybe we can also train him to bring in the paper.

Also, a lot of thoughtful people are asking how I feel. (Thanks for asking). For the most part, I can't complain. I still haven't' given in to maternity clothes, though days of fully buttoning jeans are long gone. Rubber bands looped around the button are a godsend. Yeah, sleeping's been a bit tough with a watermelon between you and and the featherbed, but I deal. My biggest issue is are my lower extremities. I can't go 10 feet without my feet blowing up like balloons. And just today, my left calf (not the right) decided to join in the fun. I could only zip up my right boot. The left boot zipper is half way down the track with my calf fat oozing out of it. Bizarre. So other than that, I can't really bitch. So I won't. At least not this week.

I can't end this week's post without letting you know of the wonderful time we had with Jason's parents last week. We had lots to celebrate and Mamma Kris was the best at giving me advice and sharing stories of when Jason was a baby (that he conveniently had forgotten about).

Meat & Potatoes, Twig & Berries

More later. Until then, here's a pic of the back of the noggin'. Unfortunately, he was very stubborn and camera shy. We didn't get one look at the face. But Jason thinks he already has good shoulders for surfing.

Manly Thoughts

I think she's startin' to show...finally. And to be honest, I think I'm starting to show too (but we'll spare y'all that pic.)

So it looks like "girl" is leading in the "What sex is the baby" poll...and according to all my friends, I'm better off having a daughter. According to them, since I don't watch sports or any other "manly" event, I don't have the know-how to have a son. Seriously, what's that all about? Guys can like Brian Boytano and know what a "triple sow-cow" is. Theater and figure skating are manly...just ask anyone in the Castro.

Ok, I admit, I probably will have to start watching sports (or at least have ESPN on in the background of my daily activities) but at least Steph is a UConn basketball fan...so we have that covered.

Maybe the next poll will be "what will the kid learn about first: A layup, An ollie, or neither, I'm busy watching Dancing with the Stars".

Sweet Dreams

Uncle Scott and Uncle Jorge are hedging their bets. Despite my mother's instinct (thinking critter is a boy), they're pretty sure critter's a girl. We received this today from Miami:
I have to say a special thank you to them. In our very early days of pregnancy, Jason and I went into a baby store to get our friend's Lauren and Tony a gift, and immediately fell in love with this crib set. Lucky for us, Scott has an unbelievable memory and Jorge is an interior designer. Now we just have to keep our fingers crossed for a girl (or hermaphrodite). Only 1.5 more days till we know.

On the update front, Jason will be taking a belly pic tonight and writing a long overdue post. I've been doing my best to be the funny poster, but we all know Jason is the one with the flair for comedy. I'm also proud to report that we already have another UConn Basketball fan in the family. I felt the first kicks throughout the entire UConn Women's Bball game on Sunday. I think the Critter was just as upset as I was that they were trailing the entire game (and lost). I certainly felt it. Critter also has an affinity for washed up rappers and trailer trash. S/he loves Flavor of Love (with Public Enemy's Flavor Flav); spent the whole show kicking me every time Flav kissed one of the ho's, which was 6x in a half hour, for the record.

Motherly Advice

When you're pregnant, other mothers love to give you advice - some of it good, some of it you wished they had kept their trap shut. There are things that are just better left to the imagination or surprise. Below are my "favorites." (For my non pregnant girlfriends, you may want to move on to the next blog entry at the risk of becoming celibate).

1. It's okay to want to throw your newborn out the window. It's illegal to do so.
2. During labor, push like you're pooping and hopefully you won't.
3. If your child grabs for your breast while out shopping, go to the nearest changing room to nurse.
4. Gently tweak your nipples in the shower so you don't get clogged milk ducts.
5. Learn to deal with your gas now because it doesn't go away after birth.
6. Forget about getting your old body back. It won't feel like "your's" for a year after birth.
7. No cream on earth will help stretch marks.
8. Even though you can indulge in a glass a wine during your third trimester, you won't feel like having one.
   
9. Cabbage in the bra is a lifesaver.
10. Start doing kegels now so you don't pee yourself when you laugh after you have the baby.
11. Enjoy sex now because in a few months you'll feel like a beached whale.

On to happier things. We had our 5 month check up with the doctor today and all is great. We heard the heartbeat and learned that my blood pressure and weight is exactly where it should be (despite this being the heaviest I've ever been - even after the Freshman 15 at UConn). The only downer was that the Doctor put the kabash on our Mexican vacation plans. I guess Mexico = dirty = listeria (bacteria) concerns. Ridiculous. I mean, last time I was in Tijuana, it was only the bathrooms in the "clubs" that looked sketchy. Oh well. Luckily we hadn't put down a deposit, but I'm now back to the drawing board for research. We're considering either Hawaii (where we went last year) or Caribbean (which neither of us have ever been to). If you have any good recos, that also happen to be reasonably priced and listeria free, please let me know.

First Card

I had to share our first Congrats Card that Jason received from one of his buddies. So touching.

Eating for Two

I'm only doing what the book says I should do. "Eat for two." Clearly it's paying off. I do have one gripe about my instructions. All you hear when you're pregnant is "You have to eat for two." That's been my dream since discovering Twinkies and Oreos at the age of 6. I swear that I only played with dolls because it gave me an excuse to chow down. (And I was a porker in elementary school). But, if you read the very fine, small print in the books, somewhere close to the asterisk, it says eating for two equals 300 extra calories a day. What? That's 1.5 Oreos. Less than 1 Twinkie. I can't win.

Critter stats:

• 5 inches long head to tush, big enough to fit in an open hand
  
• Getting fingerprints and finger/toenails (Just like Juno's baby)
• Can hear and is easily startled by ringing doorbells and my gas
• Suckling
  
• Will triple in weight/size over the next few weeks
  

Finally

After 3 months of keeping our big secret, Jason and I couldn't have asked for a better surprise weekend with the family. (My parents, brother, brother-in-law, grandma, aunt, cousin and jason's parents. Plus our favorite friends Gabe and Jontue). We flew out to New York on Friday to meet up with everyone and then headed to the Poconos Saturday morning to see my grandma and aunt.

Jason came up with the best idea to break the news. Our parents arrived at the hotel and their rooms weren't ready, so they had to hang out in ours. After the initial hugs, kisses and chaos that always ensues when my parents arrive, Jason got everyone to take a group picture. The two sets of parents and I sat on the bed, smiling, when Jason says "1, 2, 3, say -we're going to be grandparents." 2 second pause. "What?" Click.

Of course, crying, hugging, kvelling (yiddish word), and the grandparent dance followed. Yes, the parents actually got in a circle and started dancing. It was either like the hora at my Bat Mitzvah or some ancient African tribal dance. No one had any clue (about the baby and what they were doing dancing).

The rest of the weekend was great, filled with stomach touching and commenting on the size of my knockers and baby names. There were also many debates about what each of the grandparents were going to be called:

Grandpa Kressner = Poppy (like my Poppy)
Grandma Kressner = TBD (she won't do Bubbe, the yiddish word for Grandma b/c it reminds her of my Dad's grandma, a very large Russian woman that never smiled)
Grandpa Warne = Grampy Eric
Grandma Warne = Grammy Krissy

Of course, no trip to NY would be complete without Grandma-to-be buying the Critter some gender neutral fashionable threads.

Socks for every day of the week

On Saturday, we headed to the Poconos to celebrate my Grandma Freda's 94th birthday and to break the news. I had a shirt made with "#1 Great Grandma" on the front. I was floored how quickly she put two and two together. She's 94 and caught on a lot faster than our parents. We have a 4 minute video that Jason's trying to edit down.

Papa K, Scott, Jorge and Jason showing off their baby bellies

Lookin' good, for an avocado

So we missed the Week 15 pic...but whatev, you can clearly see that Steph looks pretty damn good (I think even better than Week 14). So our lil' person is the size of an avocado, but unlike an avocado it has toe nails also developing this week.

Steph's gas also seems to be under control this week. She was seriously giving me a run for the money. I remember the days when she used to turn on the water in the bathroom just so I wouldn't hear her pee. Those days were clearly over when she was tooting for two. But like I said, me and my nose seem to be in the clear...for now.

Well, this is the last week we have to keep the big news a secret...then this blog will be getting some major traffic (at least from the father-in-law and his buddies).

Remember to vote if our baby is gonna be a boy, a girl, or a hermaphrodite (Steph made this blog "interactive" for all you lil' warne fans).

Critter Stats

The last few posts (ok, all of them) have been all about Jason and me. It's time for an update on the 15 week old critter. Afterall, the blog is called Lil' Warne. Some interesting stats from my book:

• Baby is 4" long (head to rump), about the size of a large orange and only weights 2.5 oz. (what I can't figure out is why I've gained 6 lbs for 2.5 oz????)
  
• Legs are finally growing longer than the arms and can move all the joints and limbs
• Can sense light and if we shine a flashlight on the belly s/he will move (haven't tried it yet, but could be like a fun hide and seek)
• Forming taste buds and secreting urine in the placenta, lovely
• Can squint, frown, grimace, grasp, kick and suck thumb

I think the most amazing fact (back on us again) is that no one yet knows about the critter. Thank goodness that flowy tops and dresses are in style and that we're going to see the families next weekend. I'm happy that we'll be able to surprise them in person, but it's been hard for Jason and me. We're so ecstatic over this, and yet it hasn't felt real because we can't celebrate it. Less than 2 more weeks and everyone will be reading this...............

Twins

Many pregnancy books mention that husbands often gain sympathy weight, but this is ridiculous.