My Life. The Comedy.

Now that I'm a mother, I find myself doing very funny things, most of which I never think to myself, "wow, I must look very stupid right now."  For instance, the other day while walking Tanner, he was babbling away.  Rather than looking stupid and babbling back, I replied, "Oh my gosh, she was wearing what?  And her butt looked enormous?  You don't say."  I'm an idiot.  And apparently the guys biking past us thought so too.

Here's another one.  Jason and I went on a double date with our friends Karen and Jason and their baby Cole.  We did the early bird special at Houston's at 5:30pm to get the kiddies home in time for bed, and enough time for us to enjoy two bottles of wine with no corkage fee.  Somewhere in between the first and second bottle, Tanner took the biggest dump.  Like smell it from 3 tables away.  Jason was on diaper duty that night (to make up for staying in bed all day with a hangover.  What is he, 21?)  Of course the only changing station was in the women's room. Sexist.  So I sucked it up and sucked down the wine.  Here's what you need to know to understand the humor of the situation: The changing table was located inside the handicapped stall.  Tanner doesn't cooperate when you change him; he grabs his balls (which often are covered in poop) and likes to flip over, and I usually have to plug him with a pacifier to keep from screaming.   And this instance was no different.  He was a bear to change.  So here's me in the handicapped stall, hands covered in poop, Tanner's hands covered in poop, and the changing pad covered in poop, yelling, "Come on.  Work with me.  No. No. No. Oh shit."  To me, it's normal diaper changing banter.  But to the onlookers outside of the handicapped stall who had no idea that a baby was in there with me, it was comedy.

One more story.  Last week, Tanner was having his 4pm bottle and I was doing my 4pm pump.  We usually switch between Ni Hao Kai Lan and Oprah.  Oprah won that day because she was talking about relationships and sex.  Forget Suze Orman, I want Dr. Berman.  Dr. Berman was doing a very in depth review of the female anatomy.  Tanner apparently was taking notes, because once the diagram came up, he said his third word, "Vulva." Great.  His vocabulary is now Dada, Mama and Vulva.  I have a strong feeling that the Birds and Bees discussion isn't too far way.

So, this isn't so much a comedy as a tragedy. Babies cause grey hairs.  Yes, there is a direct correlation between the two.  Jason claims that marriage causes greys, but just a few days ago, I found MY FIRST GREY HAIR.  It was huge, thick and kinky.  Disgusting.  And to top it off, I found two grey eyebrow hairs this morning.  I'm getting old.  And here's another reason why - on Saturday night, our neighbors were having a big apartment party.  Not only did I feel old going to bed at 10:30pm, but I also felt even older that I actually contemplated calling the cops because the music was so loud.  (But for the record, there was practically a rave on the other side of Tanner's bedroom wall).